In a qualifying match that England approached as if they were facing Brazil 1970, the Three Lions secured a 2–0 victory over Albania—an outcome so inflated with self-importance that even the stars of the zodiac must have rolled their cosmic eyes. Because when you have Thomas Tuchel, the ultimate Virgo, and Harry Kane, the archetypal Leo, even a match against Albania becomes a theatre of ego, perfectionism, and unnecessary tension.
Before the match, both Tuchel and Kane announced with great seriousness that they would not tolerate any relaxation. Not even for a second. Why? Because, apparently, defeating Albania would give them a “psychological advantage” for future matches. Indeed, the mighty Albania—who today looked more like an experimental punching bag than an opponent—was framed as a monumental threat to England’s morale. And so, the cosmic circus began.
Tuchel: The Virgo Who Wants Perfection Even Against Albania
Let’s start with Thomas Tuchel. If astrology could take on human form, Virgo would descend on Earth as this man. Every detail must be perfect: the tactics, the formation, the substitutions, the water bottle temperature, the shoelace symmetry, even the emotional expressions on his players’ faces. With Tuchel, England doesn’t just play football—they undergo a laboratory test.
And what better opponent than Albania to demonstrate this obsession?
Instead of testing new players, trying fresh tactics, or experimenting before the World Cup—like every successful champion team in history—Tuchel sent out his absolute best squad. Because nothing says “we are ready for the World Cup” like fielding your strongest XI to beat a nation whose entire football budget equals the price of one English player’s left boot.
Even better? England received more yellow cards than Albania, which is ironic considering they were the ones who won 0–2. It’s as if Tuchel told his players:
“We will win, but we will also show that we can stress ourselves for absolutely no reason.”
Virgo behavior at its peak.
Harry Kane: The Leo Who Needs the Spotlight—Even Against Modest Albania
Then there’s Harry Kane, the captain, the leader, the Leo of all Leos. If Tuchel wants perfection, Kane wants attention. The horoscope writes itself.
A Leo doesn’t just want to win; he wants to shine. He wants to be the headline, the center of gravity, the orbit around which everyone else spins. And in today’s match, he did exactly that: Kane scored both goals, proudly padding his stats by hammering a modest Albania who, realistically, were just happy to keep the score under three.
While England could have tried new forwards, rotated players, or rested their megastar, Kane chose—no, needed—to show that he is the eternal sun of this galaxy.
Why experiment when you can shine?
Why think of the team’s long-term development when you can score twice and dominate the highlight reel?
A classic Leo move:
“Let the future worry about itself; today, the spotlight is mine.”
World Cup Preparation or Beer-Bathroom Victory Lap?
Here’s the irony: successful national teams experiment constantly. They allow unexpected players to step in. They try different systems. They take risks before big tournaments, so they’re not lost during them.
But England? No experiments. No tactical gambles. No rotation. Just Virgo rigidity and Leo ego.
With this approach, England looks less like a World Cup contender and more like a team preparing for a glorious future of… bathroom trips after beer-fuelled celebrations of beating smaller nations.
Sure, they won 2–0.
Sure, Kane scored twice.
Sure, Tuchel is satisfied with his perfectly polished victory.
But if England continues like this—playing every match like a tense final, never rotating, never innovating—they might find themselves in 2026 not lifting the trophy, but lifting toilet seats after group-stage disappointment.
Because at the end of the day, a team that never experiments becomes predictable.
And a predictable team doesn’t win World Cups.
But hey—at least today, the Virgo and the Leo were happy.
“We did very well. I’m proud of the players. It was 70 equal minutes. England is a team preparing for the World Cup final, while we are preparing to qualify for the World Cup. I’m satisfied with my team.” This is what Sylvinho, the coach of the Albanian national team, said at the end of the match.